Sunday morning’s church service was one of those that rattles some things loose that you thought were buried deep within. You know, the things that you didn’t even know were still on your mind. After songs and reflections of gratitude, we went to the scripture. The focus was on the story of Hannah, a woman who was unable to bear a child and was heartbroken about it. I’ve heard this story before, but something about hearing it on Mother’s Day 2023 was different.
“In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
I Samuel 1:10-11 (NIV)
As I read the text, I thought, “I bet that was the most important prayer that she ever prayed.”
I could relate. Because over four years ago, I prayed one of those prayers to God.
A Desperate Prayer Rooted in Motherhood
“God please protect my child from me.”
When I prayed these words, I was pregnant with my youngest son and dealing with a level of depression that I had not faced before. I mean, I had depressive symptoms while pregnant with my older son. But, this was different. This time around scared me.
I hoped that things would settle after my first trimester. I’d just started a new job and we moved into our home within that period. So, combined with hormones, I figured it was all just a lot of stress. But, in the second trimester, things felt even harder and my thoughts started slipping into the darkness. What exactly I thought about is a conversation for another day (or not), but through all the clouds, I knew one thing. My baby had to make it earthside, in spite of me.
So, like Hannah, I wept bitterly one evening and pleaded to God. Many mothers pray for the child that they are carrying. I prayed that God would cover mine and place a barrier between my feelings and his life.
While pregnant, there is so much pressure to keep your child safe in utero. We are told to control our physical activities, medications, food intake, and stress to protect our unborn. But, what happens when stress, anxiety and sadness show up to the party uninvited?
I was slowly able to find the help that I needed. I connected with a Black woman therapist who had experience with maternal mental health and supporting pregnant and postpartum women. Journaling was also helpful, as was hiring a doula. I took things day by day until I felt a little stronger. Thanks be to God, I delivered a healthy baby boy who is now four going on fourteen.
We Need to Discuss Maternal Mental Health
Writing this years later, I now know that I was not alone battling my feelings back then. Numbers vary but it is estimated that up to 20% of women suffer from mental health disorders either while pregnant or during the postpartum period. These disorders consist of a range of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). For Black women, the rates are even higher.
If you are an expectant or new mother dealing with depressive symptoms, you are not alone and you don’t have to navigate this on your own. If you are unable to find a licensed, culturally-responsive therapist in your area, there are two national hotlines available providing free, bilingual, and confidential support 24/7.
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline can provide emotional support to pregnant and new moms. Please call or text 1-833-943-5746 (1-833-9-HELP4MOMS).
The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available for those experiencing a suicidal crisis by calling or texting 988.
For any mamas out there praying for a sound mind and the health of your babies, I join you in your petition. You are covered, you are loved and you will make it to the other side.
Be encouraged 💙
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